Stephanie K is Ms. Diva

TORTURE, Part II: Death by Boredom

Late Saturday evening, MTV Hits (an extension of MTV…a station that actually plays music) was showing a marathon of VMA performances from the past 25 years.  Bored out of our minds, a girlfriend and I decided to watch.  Three hours later, we were still parked in front of the television.  We watched entertaining, visually stimulating, and shocking performances by Britney Spears, *NSYNC, Michael Jackson, Madonna, Diddy, Janet, Eminem, Christina Aguilera, Marilyn Manson, Green Day and numerous other musical legends.  These were the performances that made the VMAs can’t-miss television.

On the contrary, at 11:15 p.m. last night, I was left cursing myself for having wasted the past 2+ hours of my life watching the disaster that was the 2008 MTV VMA’s when I could have been doing something far more enjoyable (such as organizing my closet, doing paperwork or folding socks).

Let’s start with the obvious:

1.  Britney Spears.  HELL YEA, she looked amazing.  But that surely doesn’t excuse the fact that her highly-publicized opening was beyond lame.  Let’s face it, her acting skills are less than stellar (we all saw Crossroads) and her attempt at humor was far more sad than entertaining.  If this is supposed to be her comeback (again), why not perform?  It’s not like anyone expects her to actually sing.  A Brit-style comeback should consist of her shaking and gyrating her hot bod on stage over a killer track.

2.  Brit’s THREE Awards.  Best Female Vid, Best Pop Vid, and Video of the Year…for “Piece Of Me”??!!!!!!!!  I don’t want to sound like a Britney hater.  I have always been a fan of her music and her ability as a performer.  Still, “Piece Of Me” did not deserve that type of recognition.  The song was not a commercial success by any sorts, especially when you compare it to Britney’s past accomplishments.  Also, because it was filmed during Brit’s, ahem, rough times, the video itself had to be edited beyond belief to achieve the illusion of Britney pre-breakdown.  Last night, it almost seemed as if MTV felt sorry for Britney;  the show producers said, “Hey…she’s had a rough year.  Let’s give her all of the awards.”  Or perhaps they cut a deal with Britney?  Come to our show, open it, do a bunch of promos for it and we’ll make it worth your while…help push your new comeback into full gear.  All I know is, when “Piece Of Me” was announced as winner of Video Of The Year, the camera caught Chris Brown nearly falling out of his chair while hysterically laughing.

3. Russel Brand.  I still don’t know who this goofy bastard is and I still don’t care.  He was not funny.  His jokes were stale and made me feel uncomfortable.  It looked like he shopped for his pants in the pre-teen department.  Is this really the best MTV can get to host their biggest show of the year?

4.  ALL Performances.  To say that last night’s performances were uninteresting is a severe understatement.  They were bland, unoriginal, boring and blahhh.  Gone were the hi-tech effects, interesting choreography and wow-inducing stunts and collaborations.  While these type of productions cost lots of money, money that no longer may be as readily available as in years past, performances can still be entertaining.  Seeing a star command the stage is very hypnotic.  I love Rihanna, and give here credit for not lip-syncing, but her vocals were almost intolerable.  Lil Wayne bouncing about the stage, spitting out incomprehensible syllables and losing his pants is not awe-inspiring.  T.I. holding the hand of some bootylicious chick while serenading her is not unlike what you can see any given evening at your local club.  Moreover, The VMAs used to be about music.  Many of the night’s slated “performers” were only seen actually performing for about 20 seconds after cutting back from a commercial break.  No complaints there….I found myself looking forward to the commercials…

5.  The Audience.  It seriously looked as though not a single person [in that teeny tiny auditorium] was having any fun whatsoever.  I saw a lot of “I can’t wait till this is over so we can go to the bar” faces.

6.   The Promise Ring Debacle.  No surprise celebrity girl-on-girl kisses.  No writhing around in wedding dresses.  No stripteases.  The biggest controversy of last night was the talk of The Jonas Brothers’ pledge of purity.  Wow.  In an industry that screams “sex, drugs and rock and roll”, the JoBros should recognize that their ethical decisions on the subject of sex put them in the minority.  Good for them, woohoo…it’s not a big deal…no one should care…it’s a private matter and a personal choice.  And for the record, Jordin Sparks:  not all non-virgins are sluts…just the same, not all virgins are prissy little stuck-up whiny snobs sitting on high horses.  BAM!

The 2008 VMAs were unprofessional, poorly planned and difficult to watch.  The quality of the VMAs has been going downhill at a fast clip.  At this rate, in a few years they will be held in a back alley in West Hollywood, hosted by a former member of O-Town, feauring 5 second performances by American Idol rejects.

God help us all.

Posted on September 8th, 2008